Guillermo Pequeño (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} poet_demas) wrote,@ 2007-12-16 13:29:00 |
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Started crying and I couldn't stop myself
I graduated!!!!
It's over, for now. There was a moment at the graduation ceremony that I started to wish I could let go of my anger (I don't hate him) and allowed my father to be there. But I didn't feel right giving him a ticket because in the reality of it all, he never really did much in my life except set up an example of the man I don't want me to be. I mauled over it for a while the other day, but I came to the conclusion, if I invited him and he didn't show, then I'd be that boy again in the driveway. I don't want to go back to that helplessness of my youth. I have to accept it. I don't hate him, but I don't like the person I remember him being.
I invited, instead my friends (my family members, the gazillion my mother invited) back out. Uncle was sick. I didn't have to be Emo after all. I got there to see Jessica from STD and then met up with Abby. We were put inside an uncomfortably packed room--I'm claustrophobic--and waited there for about an hour or so. I was told twice, by to different people, not to be the one who falls down. All in jest and I took it like a joke, up until that guy tripped in the roll before mine. Fuck, that's gonna be me on stage, I thought, I was nervous. But I didn't fall (sorry, youtubers). I was happy, though, with the fact that I didn't have to shake Blandie's hand. (See, dreams and wishes do come true.)
But while sitting in that fifth seat, I started to slowly realize something. I looked back at the last four years of my life. From the beginning to the end. The me in 2003 isn't the person I am now. When I entered college, I was one and a half years behind my high school graduating class. I was with Jessica and miserable as ever. I was combatting a horrible depression that kept me back as much as possible. I broke up with Jessica shortly after and got with Jyg shortly after that, and I've been with her ever since.
College had its advantages, but I felt like I would never make it out. I had Miranda and Monica, but soon I lost contact with Monica (campus wise) because she dropped out of the Logic course and Miranda continued on. But making new friends was going to be hard and I didn't think I had it in me. I walked around trying not to be noticed. I never talked a single word. In 2004, my depression hit me with a new weapon. My claustrophobia started to get worse. I couldn't go out to a public place without wanting to get out as quickly as possible. I'd turn pale white, becoming more anxious. It kept me inside for days. I'd get sick from class and would constantly miss school. Annoyed, I went to the doctors and they told me I had a stomach problem. I knew that wasn't the case at all, but I went along with it. When I went back for my check up, I took this test that said "If you said yes to at least one of these five questions" then you have signs of depression. I answered yes to four of them. The doctor lady then sent me to the UTPA couseling center where I met Veronica and started to deal with my problems with her. I didn't want to go at first, but Jyg sent me on my way.
2005 had more problems that I didn't know how to deal with. My friends were different as well. Miranda had dropped out of school in Dec 2003 after having become pregnant, she got married. 2005 gave me a car accident, leaving me with the precursor of who'd I be two years later. When it happened, I looked to make sure Jyg was all right. We got out of the car and I asked the guy we'd hit if he was all right (it was still his fault, by the way). I called Jyg's mom because she couldn't, I handled the police officer's questions, I called my mother. Through it all, even though I was more panicked than I'd ever been, I handled it with ease. Veronica said it was something she noticed in me. The confidence. So in 2006, at the end of the year, when Celina was graduating, and there'd be no president for STD--along with the support of my mother, Veronica, who nudged me into it, and Jyg--I said I'd take the job. No one would run against me. I was nervous and didn't know what to do or knew what trouble I'd get myself into. I didn't know shit. I'll admit that now because my term has ended, but seriously guys, I thought I was going to be the death of the organization. I didn't know what it meant to lead or anything of the sort. But 2007 showed that I could take the pressure. And while not all my members liked me, I did win over a few loyal members who were more hard working than I ever was as a member or as an officer.
So the difference I saw is that I no longer let myself be the follower, but a leader--even though I tricked you all into thinking I was leading you. I wanted to tear up, much like I wanted to tear up at Joe's wedding when I made my speech, because I knew that I'm no longer that kid. Knowing you're all grown up is a scary thing to deal with. I've accepted it. I've never been this "damned happy" in my entire life. And who can ask for more? I have a wonderful girlfriend who has been there through my troubles, my anger and frustration and still loves me for the good. I have great friends who have seen me at my worse, my best and all those moments in between. I have new friends who I just got to know and now reluctantly have to see a few of them go. I have conquered my depression, even though we all have our moments.
Yesterday, was my graduation. I did at 25 what no one else in my family has done. I graduated. With the love of my family, my friends, my demons and my "angels." I was there, witnessed by two of my friends, my girlfriend, my mother, my brother, my aunt and my grandmother and in my heart, my other grandmother, Damian, my grandfathers, Jay (who couldn't make it), The Binx (who couldn't make it), Teddy, and all the rest of you who have made my life a rollercoaster of drugs, anger and desire. But especially, the person my father used to be.
I did it for you all as much as I did it for myself.
I graduated!!!!
It's over, for now. There was a moment at the graduation ceremony that I started to wish I could let go of my anger (I don't hate him) and allowed my father to be there. But I didn't feel right giving him a ticket because in the reality of it all, he never really did much in my life except set up an example of the man I don't want me to be. I mauled over it for a while the other day, but I came to the conclusion, if I invited him and he didn't show, then I'd be that boy again in the driveway. I don't want to go back to that helplessness of my youth. I have to accept it. I don't hate him, but I don't like the person I remember him being.
I invited, instead my friends (my family members, the gazillion my mother invited) back out. Uncle was sick. I didn't have to be Emo after all. I got there to see Jessica from STD and then met up with Abby. We were put inside an uncomfortably packed room--I'm claustrophobic--and waited there for about an hour or so. I was told twice, by to different people, not to be the one who falls down. All in jest and I took it like a joke, up until that guy tripped in the roll before mine. Fuck, that's gonna be me on stage, I thought, I was nervous. But I didn't fall (sorry, youtubers). I was happy, though, with the fact that I didn't have to shake Blandie's hand. (See, dreams and wishes do come true.)
But while sitting in that fifth seat, I started to slowly realize something. I looked back at the last four years of my life. From the beginning to the end. The me in 2003 isn't the person I am now. When I entered college, I was one and a half years behind my high school graduating class. I was with Jessica and miserable as ever. I was combatting a horrible depression that kept me back as much as possible. I broke up with Jessica shortly after and got with Jyg shortly after that, and I've been with her ever since.
College had its advantages, but I felt like I would never make it out. I had Miranda and Monica, but soon I lost contact with Monica (campus wise) because she dropped out of the Logic course and Miranda continued on. But making new friends was going to be hard and I didn't think I had it in me. I walked around trying not to be noticed. I never talked a single word. In 2004, my depression hit me with a new weapon. My claustrophobia started to get worse. I couldn't go out to a public place without wanting to get out as quickly as possible. I'd turn pale white, becoming more anxious. It kept me inside for days. I'd get sick from class and would constantly miss school. Annoyed, I went to the doctors and they told me I had a stomach problem. I knew that wasn't the case at all, but I went along with it. When I went back for my check up, I took this test that said "If you said yes to at least one of these five questions" then you have signs of depression. I answered yes to four of them. The doctor lady then sent me to the UTPA couseling center where I met Veronica and started to deal with my problems with her. I didn't want to go at first, but Jyg sent me on my way.
2005 had more problems that I didn't know how to deal with. My friends were different as well. Miranda had dropped out of school in Dec 2003 after having become pregnant, she got married. 2005 gave me a car accident, leaving me with the precursor of who'd I be two years later. When it happened, I looked to make sure Jyg was all right. We got out of the car and I asked the guy we'd hit if he was all right (it was still his fault, by the way). I called Jyg's mom because she couldn't, I handled the police officer's questions, I called my mother. Through it all, even though I was more panicked than I'd ever been, I handled it with ease. Veronica said it was something she noticed in me. The confidence. So in 2006, at the end of the year, when Celina was graduating, and there'd be no president for STD--along with the support of my mother, Veronica, who nudged me into it, and Jyg--I said I'd take the job. No one would run against me. I was nervous and didn't know what to do or knew what trouble I'd get myself into. I didn't know shit. I'll admit that now because my term has ended, but seriously guys, I thought I was going to be the death of the organization. I didn't know what it meant to lead or anything of the sort. But 2007 showed that I could take the pressure. And while not all my members liked me, I did win over a few loyal members who were more hard working than I ever was as a member or as an officer.
So the difference I saw is that I no longer let myself be the follower, but a leader--even though I tricked you all into thinking I was leading you. I wanted to tear up, much like I wanted to tear up at Joe's wedding when I made my speech, because I knew that I'm no longer that kid. Knowing you're all grown up is a scary thing to deal with. I've accepted it. I've never been this "damned happy" in my entire life. And who can ask for more? I have a wonderful girlfriend who has been there through my troubles, my anger and frustration and still loves me for the good. I have great friends who have seen me at my worse, my best and all those moments in between. I have new friends who I just got to know and now reluctantly have to see a few of them go. I have conquered my depression, even though we all have our moments.
Yesterday, was my graduation. I did at 25 what no one else in my family has done. I graduated. With the love of my family, my friends, my demons and my "angels." I was there, witnessed by two of my friends, my girlfriend, my mother, my brother, my aunt and my grandmother and in my heart, my other grandmother, Damian, my grandfathers, Jay (who couldn't make it), The Binx (who couldn't make it), Teddy, and all the rest of you who have made my life a rollercoaster of drugs, anger and desire. But especially, the person my father used to be.
I did it for you all as much as I did it for myself.
